For the past two decades I have run seminars for people who struggle with overeating or smoking addictions. What I have learned from these is that the people who come to me for help, especially those who have the greatest difficulty, were not taught one very simple principle – how to make choices – during their childhood years. They can learn it as adults, though, and when they do it makes a huge difference to what they are aiming to achieve.

The practice of making choices can be described as the ability to delay gratification, and to do it with pleasure, so it doesn’t feel like a deprivation. By delaying gratification I am not talking about saving ‘treats’ for later – although sometimes that could be part of it. Real progress comes from leaving out some ‘treats’ entirely for the delayed gratification of, for example, sustained energy, improved mood or simply an empowering sense of self-control. This is crucial, because if we can’t delay gratification at least sometimes, we are compelled to eat anything that takes our fancy. And many people do exactly that!

When we are born we are unable to delay gratification at all. Whatever an infant might want, they can only want it now! However, it is entirely possible for an adult to choose delayed over instant gratification, passing on over-indulgences in return for not feeling bloated or nauseous later on. This is a sophisticated concept, and something even many adults never grasp; and it is certainly beyond the intellectual capacity of very young children.

You wouldn’t expect a toddler to go out and earn their own living, and in the same way you wouldn’t expect a toddler to make complex decisions about longer-term health benefits and what is wise to eat. However, at some point you hope your child is going to make a living for themselves, and is going to eat wisely and in moderation throughout their life. And so, as a parent, you hope to point them in that direction.

A crucial key is to encourage a strong sense of personal choice. This can only be developed over many years, preferably throughout childhood, and it is important to understand that it is not an automatic, inevitable part of growing up.

The process of choosing for ourselves is carried out in a particular area of the prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that lies just behind the forehead. Research at the University of London using neuro-imaging technology shows that this area is not used at all when people simply follow orders or instructions. This part of the prefrontal cortex is accessed only when people make decisions for themselves.

Neuroscientists also know that extreme physical damage to this area leaves people incapable of making decisions. They tend to look only at the immediate reward of a situation without considering the ramifications that might lead from a particular decision.
Our brains are not fully formed when we are born, and the prefrontal cortex especially needs to develop through human interactions during childhood and even into the late teens and early 20s. Young brains need the right kind of stimulation: lots of love, of course, and the right kind of guidance.

A dictatorial “do as I say” does nothing to support this process. Recent research at the University of Boston compared different kinds of parenting styles to see the impact on overeating in children. The study, published in the journal Pediatrics, concluded that children were five times more likely to become obese if they had authoritarian parents, described as “strict disciplinarians”. These parents gave orders such as: “You have to do this” and “You are not allowed to do that.” They were not encouraging their children to make choices of their own.

This same study found that providing no boundaries at all, with a “do whatever you want” philosophy, wasn’t the answer, either. Parenting styles described as “permissive” or “neglectful” were also shown to result in overeating in the children. These parents, too, weren’t getting their children to exercise their prefrontal cortex.

The parenting style that proved best in creating healthy eating and normal weight in children was described as “authoritative”. This combined sensitivity towards the child, together with what the researchers described as “clear expectations about self-control”.

Practising choice-making isn’t necessarily just about food. A good example could be giving your child the option of doing their homework now and watching a favourite TV programme later. If the child plays around and avoids the homework, they are not allowed to watch the programme. Then, a week later, the same situation arises and the child, feeling reluctant to get down to the work, remembers what is at stake and chooses to do things differently. They do their homework and get to see their programme. They have chosen to delay their gratification. They have strengthened their prefrontal cortex and this, in turn, makes it more likely to be used again. Then, they will be more able to contemplate wider implications of their actions beyond immediate, impulsive automaticity (automatic or involuntary action).

Learning to choose isn’t simply an intellectual understanding. You could point out that a certain kind of food is unhealthy and explain why, but this does very little to further the choice-making process. If someone isn’t genuinely able to choose for themselves, they might comply with nutritional advice temporarily, but sooner or later they will rebel against it. The rebellion can show up as an excessive attraction to ‘forbidden’ foods, even obsession, and ultimately lots of overeating, accompanied by every justification under the sun.

Choice-making should be reinforced patiently and repetitively: do one thing and such-and-such will happen; do something different and you get a different result. Encourage the child to choose, and to notice the results of the choice they make, preferably without any blame or judgement. Just simply, “This is what you chose,” and leave it at that.