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Page 2 of 2 New involvement and a change of sceneClubs, activities and a trip half-way round the world helped Ida Browne of Erith WI, Kent accept solitude with equanimityI have been on my own since my husband Eric died in 1995. We had been married for 54 years and during that time had rarely been apart. After his death I realised that I was now responsible, not only for my way of life but also for the running of my home. He had been a handyman and carried out all the decorating and odd jobs: I now had to carry on where he had left off. So out came the paintbrushes and I finished painting the lounge just in time for the funeral. We lived in a lovely ground floor flat in a retirement complex, where I still live alone, with plenty of other people around me. There is a little garden back and front so I knew I would have to become a gardener, too. During our lifetime together we had, I think sensibly, our own hobbies. I already belonged to the WI and now I joined another association, too. I am a member of the church choir and the Mother's Union and I swim regularly. I joined an art class. When my son asked me to come to Papua New Guinea where he lived, I agreed and a year later I found myself travelling there, by myself, via America, Fiji and Australia. After stopovers along the route I eventually made it to Papua New Guinea, where I met my son, his wife and my little grandson David whom I had never seen. This place was so different from anything I knew, hot and humid with magnificent mountains and jungle. I had the joy of being with my family and getting to know my grandson, although when the time came it was a sad farewell. Back at my flat, I missed Eric asking me all about my trip - I found this aspect of single life most upsetting. However I was welcomed back by a stack of 'welcome home' cards, including one from a neighbour who was to become a significant part of my life. I have come to like living alone. I can eat what and when I like, I can read at the table with my meals and I can drive my car how I like to drive. I can choose a TV programme I like and do not have to suffer football all weekend. Now I am lucky to have someone to join me in the evenings and on outings to concerts and holidays, and to have that special person who always asks me "How was your day?" I may be on my own but I am not lonely. Cruse can helpHow you respond to the death of a loved-one or to a bereaved person will be very individual and personal, says Cruse. Below are some of the reactions people have when someone dies. If you have been recently bereaved they may help you to realise that you are not alone in the forms your grief is taking. If someone you know is going through a bereavement they may help you to better understand.I can't believe it It may take you a long time to grasp what has happened. Some people carry on as if nothing has happened. It is hard to believe that someone important is not coming back. I feel nothing The shock can make you numb, you may feel you're in a different world Why did it have to happen? Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or when you had plans for the future together' I feel such pain Physical and mental pain can feel completely overwhelming and very frightening. I go over it again and again You can't stop thinking about the events leading up to the death If only You may feel guilty about things you have said or did or that you didn't say or do. I feel so depressed, life has no meaning, I can't go on Many people say there are times after a death when they feel there is nothing worth living for and they feel like ending it all. I hear and see him what is wrong with me? Thinking you are hearing or seeing someone who has died is a common experience and can happen when you least expect it They said I'd be over it in a few months Many people find it takes much longer to learn to cope without someone to love. One minute I'm angry and the next minute I can't stop crying Many people find the mood swings very frightening. Cruse Bereavement Care exists to promote the wellbeing of bereaved people and to enable anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and cope with their loss. The organisation provides counselling and support. It offers information, advice, education and training services. If you need support following a bereavement, call the Cruse Day by Day Helpline 0844 477 9400 or email: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it Just published is a book by Caroline Doughty whose husband died four years ago, leaving her with two young children to bring up. 'If there's Anything I Can do...' is a thoughtful and practical book which anyone who has a bereaved/widowed friend or relative should read. Published by White Ladder Press, price £7.99. |
