Health
| Helping them to help themselves |
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| Written by Jacky Hyams, 2008 | |
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There are lots of things you can do to help your elderly parents maintain their independence, says Jacky Hyams in her new book Time to Help Your Parents. In 10 years' time there will be more people over 65 than under 25 living in the UK. And many of those over-65s will still be around in their 80s - and well beyond. We are all quite different in how much we depend on others on a practical or daily level: if you are fortunate, your parents will be quite happy for you to step in and take more responsibility for their wellbeing. But for many families, just when it starts to be obvious that more help is needed, the parents insist they don't want it. How can you balance your parents' determination to stay independent with your desire to help? First, get your priorities straight. Whatever you do to help your parents, you should not attempt to diminish their sense of control over their lives. Unless their health or safety at home is clearly in jeopardy, their wishes still have to come first. Dirt and chaos aside, a home lacking in what we consider to be 'essentials' might easily be perfectly acceptable to an elderly relative. Healthcare professionals encounter this problem all the time - elderly parents won't accept any form of domestic help, or even gifts like a small microwave oven, to ease their life, believing such things to be unnecessary or frivolous. Experts say that good help in the home can also make a huge difference to older people's overall wellbeing in the long-term. It frees them up to enjoy other things and helps them enjoy existing independence. But for many older women, their life's work has been entirely domestic - keeping the home spick-and-span, supporting their husband, raising the family. It is their identity, their role in life. Giving up even part of that can be quite scary, amounting to a loss of control over everything they cherish. So understanding their perspective might help prevent arguments and upsets when you suggest getting more help. You might believe their home is full of clutter that needs throwing out; but it is hurtful, even threatening, to be told it must be discarded because it is useless. The following ideas might help you overcome your parents' reluctance to accept help at home:
Food shoppingIf food shopping is becoming a problem - perhaps one parent has stopped driving or a widowed parent has never driven at all - there may be neighbours willing to help by driving them to the shops sometimes. Or use a taxi service for weekly shopping trips: local firms often rely on elderly passengers for business and you may be able to negotiate a discount for regular trips.Ordering shopping over the Internet has simplified much of the shopping/delivery dilemma. Your parents might not be computer-literate or initially willing to consider doing food shopping this way, but you can offer to order a 'sample' shop online, for home delivery. Reluctant partnerSometimes one parent is quite willing to accept outside help while the other is stubbornly resistant. Emotions fuelling this kind of resistance can be shock that things are having to change, fear at what the future might hold if they let this happen and anger at why it is happening.Overcoming the effect of these complex emotions is rarely simple. But you should try to communicate your concerns. Try asking the parent who won't accept changes how things will be for the other person, if they can't get any help? Will they feel guilty about not doing the things they have always done? Ask what is there to gain by not acknowledging the changes and accepting the extra help. By approaching the issue in subtle, non-threatening terms you might move things forward. If they are refusing any help, it is sensible to have some sort of plan for what might lie ahead. Knowing where to go or whom to contact in an emergency is always useful, especially if you don't live close by. Help from a local authorityWhile some local authorities offer schemes for helping elderly people at home with shopping, light housework and personal care, the process for obtaining help is complicated and unless your parents have a very limited income, it is not free nor available everywhere.Regulation of employees working with the elderly in their own homes has been tightened up: all agencies offering paid-for help from home care staff are legally required to register with the Commission for Social Care Inspection and to conform to its minimum standards. Private agency employees must be registered with the General Social Care Council. Voluntary or private?Many older people will accept help from a well-known, trusted voluntary organisation, because they feel more comfortable accepting help from an outsider. In the main, this type of help is short-term, usually following a crisis, 4-6 weeks for example. But it might not be available in your parents' area.Age Concern and the Red Cross [pic] offer some elder home care services, so as part of your advance game plan, contact local branches to find out what might be available, what it costs and the circumstances in which your parents might be eligible for extra help. If you do not live nearby and have one parent living alone in a reasonably-sized house or flat with a spare bedroom, you could also check in advance with the charity Homeshare International. It runs a scheme for elderly people who need extra help because they are having difficulty living alone. The scheme matches the person with someone in their 20s, either a student or someone in full-time work, willing to provide help and reassurance at night, in exchange for accommodation. The schemes are only available in London, Oxford, Bristol and West Sussex at present, although there are plans to expand it further. For private agencies providing assistance with personal care such as washing and dressing or live-in and nursing care, compile a list of suitable agencies in your parents' area by contacting the United Kingdom Homecare Association. The Commission for Social Care Inspection will also provide useful details of accredited agencies. Security concernsAny suggestion of installing a form of security device or alarm system should be low-key. Don't create panic by labouring the point of their vulnerability. The more secure they feel in their home, the more their sense of independence is boosted.Fire safety is crucial: every home should have at least one smoke detector, with a 10-year battery. Explain that you believe it is a good idea to install a security or panic button as a precautionary measure. If they live in a city, they are probably super-conscious of security. But burglaries and muggings aren't restricted to cities. If they demur because they are in a peaceful, rural spot, you could say you are willing to organise and pay for it if necessary. People on low incomes may be entitled to financial help with security costs via their local authority's social services department - but this depends on local policy and individual circumstances. One really useful home-support security service, organised through the charity Help the Aged, is the HandyVan scheme. Trained HandyVan fitters are based in key areas around the UK. They give a free security check, estimate the cost and once the work is agreed, fit door chains, viewers, window locks and smoke detectors. Anyone who would prefer a more sophisticated form of security, such as a pendant alarm which, on being pressed, links them directly to a central call-response unit at any time, can contact Help the Aged's SeniorLink unit, which will organise supply and delivery of this type of pendant alarm. The 'plug in and go' alarm can only be fitted to a modern telephone line and there must also be a 13 amp electric socket within 3.6m (12ft) of the phone line. Both the HandyVan security installation and the pendant alarm can be supplied free to anyone over 60 who does not pay income tax, does not live in residential sheltered accommodation and has savings under £20,000 (not including the value of their home). Outside these criteria, at the time of going to press, the cost of the pendant alarm is £209.39 inclusive of VAT and maintenance for three months. Maintenance charges are £24.91 per quarter. When ordering, you must provide contact details of two people who have access to your parents' home (neighbours or relatives nearby) for emergencies. SeniorLink will also install another option, a door-alert button fixed next to the front door, and also linked to a response centre - a reassuring device in an area with high crime rates. Independence boosters
Safety checklistThere are things you can do yourself to increase your parents' comfort and safety around their home:
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